Sex Etiquette | Lovers in 2018
Eliminating patriarchy would have been more beneficial than joining the party. The "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," slogan has shaped cultural, social and gender norms. From stripper culture to self-identifying as a b*tch, women have joined the male-gaze social ranks. Still lacking on equal wages, political power, media stake, and the likes, women are seeking agency wherever we can. When the beloved Aretha Franklin was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T she too was demanding simple sex etiquette. In a culture that promotes the casual mistreatment of women, sex etiquette is an ethical safeguard. In order to navigate a dating culture that centers male narcissism, women are finding themselves shifting their intimate pursuits to meet the minimum requirements to sustain physical pleasure: consistent sex and respect.
Many guys, like most humans, crave intimacy and want the benefits of such. However, the idea is to have all of their intimate needs met without the work, obligation, commitment and exclusivity. For young women, casual sex or friends with benefits is in direct response to a generation of men inundated with music, movies, and other cultural motivators that fosters an entitlement to women's bodies, physical and emotional labor, attention and adoration. Unlike earlier gender social contracts, men are no longer expected to equally contribute to the energy necessary to sustain two people intimately engaging.
I come across many young, fine, stable, intelligent, career-focused, community serving and secure women in their early to mid 20s; who simply want a consistent sex partner. And yes, there are standards for those too. Men, in particular, have been convinced that common courtesy and expectations are reserved for relationships. Such beliefs lead to the semantics game in response to "what are we?" Not to clarify the engagement between two consenting adults, but to absolve themselves of emotional responsibility linked to a title. A culture of fuhkboidom has adverse effects on anyone who maintains ethics in their dating/love life. In a hetero-normative dynamic, for women, common courtesy becomes a sign of invested interest whereas for men courtship is miss-communicated as a love language instead of a general rule of thumb when entertaining a woman of any intimate capacity.
We have a moral responsibility to treat our sex partners with basic human decency. Not doing so can lead to serious emotional and psychological concerns. When in doubt, don't be lazy, selfish or an ass hole.
I admit the attempt to shift a culture that restores humanity to dating seems futile. Any who, below are 6 points of mandates for emotionally safer sex.
Communicate exactly what you are interested in: dating, sex, going on dates, cuddle buddy, relationship, someone to occasionally spank you. Whatever it is, start by communicating honestly, kindly and be flexible.
Again, Mother Aretha outlined it for us, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Find out what it means to me." One must tailor their engagements to meet the requirements of the person they are interested in. No group of people are monolithic.
In a society that trivializes sex and reduces it to reflect a primitive way of interacting, it's important to note that even the animal kingdom requires males to court the females they are interested in. If birds can do it, a ninja with a degree, a job, and social skills can too, along with the ones without out the credentials or resources (get creative). I know I know, it's just sex. The closest engagement two or more people can have, yet we place the reductive word "just" in front of it.
Spending time with someone, similar to human decency, is not reserved for the pursuit of a romantic relationship. Great, so you just want the cheeks, but those cheeks are attached to an entire person. Spending time with someone grants one the opportunity to learn their rhythm, their body language, their likes, and dislikes. It also can increase the quality of sex.
Set the Mood:
So, you get to have sex, hopefully, the first of many.
Make sure water is available.
Freshen up your mouth hours before and follow up with a mint. In case your exuberant teeth brushing cut a gum, you don't want to increase the chances of spreading N-TYthing, pop a mint.
dim the lights for a nice ambiance, not pitch black or sunlight bright.
The more sex you have the more you can explore new things. But exploration is only achievable in safe and familiar environments.
One Pump, Two Pump, No Pump
Sex one time is a waste. If you are like me, it's a waste of a body count. A guy that wants sex only one time is repulsively disgusting. I call them dick dippers. Dick dippers tend to have unethical sex practices, loose morals, and prob spreading STDs, like the character #Lawrence on #insecure. Also, sex the first time is not always mind-blowing. Disproportionately, women on average do not reach orgasms 75% of the time. I too have faked. A consistent sex partner allows for the exploration of new kinks and boundaries. With serial one night stands, you are missing out on many bedroom adventures that only take place in the company of respect, communication, and consistency.
Post Sex Contact:
It's common courtesy.
The deterioration of our ethical conduct has infiltrated our sex lives. As a guy (beneficiary of all gender power dynamics), not contacting someone the day after you have sex for the first time is devaluing, disrespectful and an ultimate display of poor sex etiquette. You're no busier the day after sex than you were during the moments you pursued the person. Not doing so communicates all things to the negative. Any vulnerable encounter requires reassurance. Post sex contact is the perfect way to keep attraction up and secure fun time at a later date. I find that most guys who refuse to contact a sex partner the day after sex are doing so to establish an imbalance power dynamic in which they control.
PS. if you contact your barber to cancel an appointment, you can reach out to the person you were inside of 24 hours later.
Etiquette is a code of conduct that is universally considered polite. Polite is friendly, decent and kind behavior. I wonder what the advantages are of being ruthless in the most conventionally vulnerable setting, dating.
Needless to say, even if one's pursuit is solely for sex, the pursuit can be respectful, safe, and consensual.
Girls just want to have fun too; and not be humiliated in the process.